Story #26

When I am stressed out or I feel like I can’t control things anymore and everything is going in what seems to be a downward spiral I stop eating.
At first it was because I wasn’t hungry or I just didn’t have time to eat, but now it’s getting worse. Instead of forgetting to eat because I don’t have time I just don’t eat because I feel incontrol. If I don’t feel in control of my mind or my mentality I won’t eat. It developed slowly, but now it’s getting really really bad. My weight from day to day changes so much. I wont eat till after work or even then I don’t eat, I might not eat for two days and I’ll only drink water then when I do want to eat again and the feeling in my stomache becomes excruiatingly unbearable or people start to notice I look out of it I’ll eat and gain about 4 pounds. 

I feel like everythings out of control right now. My family life, and my personal life, everything. I can’t control that so I feel like I try to control other things. I feel like if I dont have any sense of control of myself or bad situations im in I need to get some control to give me some sanity. I binge eat after sometimes too. I’ll eat for one full day like legit anything & everything I can even the most unhealthiest things you can imagine, and then stop eating for about 4 days (It used to be 1 day then over time its grown to 4.). 
I want to stop I really do. I just don’t feel like I have the power too, and its the only thing that keeps me stable sometimes.

Its just been really bad the past few days. My parents forgot about my birthday and bought me a last minute present that as bratty as this may sound I didn’t really like at all. 
I felt out of control like everything was spinning at warped speed. My parents don’t know anything about my personality, or what i like and dislike. I feel like they favor my brothers and it had been one of the big problems in my life in the past year. Instead of not eating, I went out to McDonalds the day after my birthday I ate 3double cheeseburgers, 1 medium fry, 1 brownie melt, and strawberry shake. I felt so disgusting after and went to Target and threw it all up and broke down in the car after.

It really is starting to scare me how my only way of feeling in control is becoming out of control, but what scares me the most is I feel amazingly better after.

I want to tell my family exactly how bad things have gotten from the way they treat me at times and the comments they make, but I don’t want to hear things get pinned back on me and blame being placed on my shoulders for this.

I know exactly how you feel right now because I’ve been there too. It’s such a scary feeling knowing that something is controlling you and you feel you can’t stop it. I just want you to know that you CAN. It’s such a hard thing to overcome, believe me, but you CAN do it. I believe in you. If you ever want to talk to me, please do.