I wasn’t suppose to be born. My mom has lupus, and she isn’t suppose to have kids. they told her she would die if she had me, and that she should abort, but here i am. i was born premature and i didn’t know how to swallow. i probably haven’t gained any guts since then. I was an only child, and my parents didn’t like the kids who lived around us much. I was perfectly content playing with my toys alone. Hence being an Introvert.
When I got to school, I got made fun of all the time. Your ugly, your stupid, why are you so short? They would pull my hair, kick my chair, push me. But it was the little things that hurt worst. People saying they would be m friend if I let them cut me in line, and not being one. What did i do? I didn’t know. Guys would say I was the last person on earth they would ever date. Every time is was life someone that I hadne’t even been dating had broken up with me. They were the meanest. I have a few girls who were  my friend, but no guys. They were mean, except one.
Fourth Grade. My first crush. (people talk about crushes in life stories, don’t they) Not much to say, except he was nice 2 me though a bit sexual. he was 13 and i was 9. He stood up for me when his friends made fun, I like the fact that he didn’t go along with the crowd.  Until one day he decided to go along with them, and be mean to me as well. Hello, first crushed heart. I was suspended three times for fighting,  though they were all in self-defence.
I met a friend at this time named Rochelle. She was two sisters and her father was a Pastor. She was passionate for Jesus, and told me about him. I accept Christ into my heart on the school bus when I was 11 years old.
Middle school was hell. Basically the same stuff, but to an extreme extent. I had 0 self confidence in middle from all the ridicule. i would no look people in the eye, hardly speak. Whenever I did, people would make fun of whatever I said. Rochelle had changed, she was mean as well now. There were some days when I wanted to kill myself, i didn’t see any reason to live. I could not see a future for myself, I had been treated this way since I started head start when i was 13 years old and I could not see life beyond  this. I did not want to have to go through this every day. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I wanted to end my life, but God would not let me. He was holding on to me so strong, so passionately. it was the most amazing thing ever. Graduation from middle school was one of the happiest days of my life.
Ah, high school. Due to my previous experience, i gravitated towards the weirdest people i could find in high school. A girl (amber) who idolized Hitler and hated black people, though she was black. A girl who swore she was japanese though she was white, and would sing songs in japanese all the time. A girl who read books all through class and at lunch. A girl (spirit) who wrote poetry and called herself ‘sexy saphire’ (or whatever she called herslef…) And kate, my friend from middle school who went to my high school (she had epilepsy and people were rude 2 her for it, but she was the ONE COOL PERSON out of all these people who still, to this day, i would consider a friend).
High school was okay, though i hated it at the time. The days all kind of blurred together. I still got made fun of, but to a lesser extent. I still got called ugly and whatever, but I was okay. I had some good times two, with my friend who mostly wore black all the time and sat in a corner being weird. As far a guys go, first was ross jr year. Did not really go anywhere because i didn’t really like him. Next was norris. prolly the closest thing 2 a relationship seeing as people thought we were dating. We talked for a very long time but were never official.  umm… don’t know where i am going with this. he made me mad for a bit what were cool now, usually.
NEway… i’m in college now and wow, how God has used college. 2  of my friend from HS. Well once we got here she did a total personalty swap and she got mad at me when i didn’t go alone with the things she wanted to do. It was just her attitude had changed, like she started smoking/drugs, watching porn (in the room while i was in there>:) all the time, stealing stuff, just not being very nice in general. She started acting rude and would never make time to hang out, I got so frustrated that eventually I had to get my own room (she was a roommate). I was in a strange new city and all my friend had decided they weren’t my friend any more (even the new ones, because they were mutual friends with her) That time was a very dark time for me, but i really feel like God dose this to bring us to the end of ourselves and everything we had to make us rely fully on him. I made myself trust help and joined a bible study through campus crusade, and I met some really awesome people who were following God. It was the most amazing thing ever though i still felt (and still do feel) alone and upset and everything, God is showing me that I have a big God-shaped whole in my chest that nothing can fill but Him. I have grown so much in my walk with him since coming here, i wouldn’t have mad it any other way. He brings you to the bottom so they only thing you can rely on is him, and he taught me that He is enough.
I’m a sophomore. I’m still stubborn and sometimes shy (though not nearly as shy as i was in middle school). He is teaching me to love the people who have hurt me. He is teaching me to trust him to do big things (im going on a summer project through campus crusade, and I have to raise 3500 dollars). He is restoring my heart and reminding me that I am beautiful. Mostly, he teaching me to love him
There is only love, everything else is our resistance to it.
And thats all I have to say about that.

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